Welcome to SantaAnnaNews.com

I have wanted to do this page every since I started SantaAnnaNews.com
We all get those e-mails from friends and relatives and I like the funny ones that are rated G for Good! So I thought I would throw a few in to maybe give you a laugh for your day.

I have archived the 2004 Funnies and the 2005 Funnies so that the 2006 Funnies will load a little faster.

Sent by my friend from Millersview..

New Texas Hunting Law

Washington, D.C.- A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney.

The source was quoted to say "All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the guts to do it."

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license.

Currently, Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyer stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.

The department further stated that although the "lawyer stamp: comes at a hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year.

Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps.

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES..

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From the Easter Bunny..

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears

There's no such thing as too much candy

All work & no play can make you a basket case

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans

Good things come in small sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Sent by my friend from Millersview..

THE OLD PREACHER

There's a story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son and it was getting time that the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up." He analyzed the situation ...If he picks up the Bible, I'll know he's gonna be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, I'll know he's gonna be a businessman and that would be okay too. But if he picks up the bottle, I'll know he's gonna be a drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious look in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as the old preacher looked on in horror ...

"Lord have mercy," the old man cried, "He's gonna be a politician!"

Sent by my friend from Millersview..

When I first read it I laughed out loud at some of them but I am afraid I had to take a couple of the off color ones out.. send an e-mail to news@santaannanews.com and I will send them to you!

The Sea

God bless the budding Hemingway’s who wrote the following. It just goes to show one doesn’t need big words to express, perfectly, what they’re trying to say.

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on"The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together the comments that were funny and sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Sent by my friend from Millersview..

Ole's Accident

Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said."Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)

"How da heck was I suppose to pick dem up?

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

An Offering From the Bottom of My..

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.

After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright.. but I am not so sure about some of it!

This is cool trivia...

[1] If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

[2] If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

[3] Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

[4] The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts', meaning 'the best or nothing.

[5] The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

[6] The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.

[7] The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

8] Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

[9] The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

[10] Dalmatians are born without spots.

[11] The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

[12] Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

[13] Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

[14] When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

[15] When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

[16] The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.

[17] Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

[18] Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.

[19] It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.

[20] The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

[21] The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting

[22] It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

[23] Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.

[24] The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

[25] In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch and make it look like it is smiling.

[26] Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

[27] The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

[28] Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

[29] Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).

[30] Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

[31] German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

[32] Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.

[33] A whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

Sent by my friend from Millersview..

Pilots and Mechanics

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

TEXAS HOSPITALITY

Dallas Air Traffic Control (ATC): "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711-- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause: Static..............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya hear?"

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

A Bottle of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Sent by my friend from Millersview..

Super Bowl

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards, down a chimney, and then hit a passing car that was going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ........ and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

With age comes wisdom

A recently retired man of 73 years enjoyed his days fishing. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure than you ever have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I'll give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

Puns A Plenty

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Oboe: An English tramp.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes

Sent by my friend in Millersview..

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background! music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

Black and White

(Under age 40? You won't understand)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura or Ward and June.

It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,

Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,

Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.

Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.

Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, alone in bed they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.

They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.

It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight

To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!

Sent by my friend in Millersview..and my Mom too!

Young Scientists

Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning. If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get in tercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front!

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke!

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage!

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'!

Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?