Welcome to SantaAnnaNews.com

I have wanted to do this page every since I started SantaAnnaNews.com
We all get those e-mails from friends and relatives and I like the funny ones that are rated G for Good! So I thought I would throw a few in to maybe give you a laugh for your day.

I have archived the 2004 Funnies so that the 2005 Funnies will load a little faster.

Sent by my friend in Millersview..

Don't Mess With Old Men

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He told her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Sent by my Mom, Pat Wright..

Why, Why, Why ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

Sent by my friend in Millersview..

Deer Hunters

A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Missouri near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 51 years."

Sent by my friend in Millersview.. Once again I laughed out loud when I read some of these..

TOP 16 COUNTRY SONGS

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is.
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

They left off "Tequila makes her Clothes Fall Off"! which is a current country hit by Joe Nichols.

Thanks to Clay Stewardson stewardson.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Fish Tale

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid.

Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib over hauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.

Thanks to Clay Stewardson stewardson.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

West Virginia Gambling Woman

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from West Virginia arrives and bets twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral -
Not all West Virginians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright

HEALTH QUESTION AND ANSWER SESSION

Words to live by.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetables). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine...that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: "No Pain...Good."

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!!!!!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should really only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?! HELLO.......Cocoa beans--another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! "Round" is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, strawberries in the other--body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "EEEE HAAAA! What a ride!"

Thanks to Clay Stewardson stewardson.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Hill Country Humor

Only a Texan could think of this .... from the County where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright

Texans

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce everywhere, especially all over their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots, and chasing the sheep; they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scratching up the halls of wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; they refuse to walk and insist on bringing their horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello --- hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.

Those darn Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright

North and South

The North has coffee houses.............The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services..........The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives.....The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names......The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy.............The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has Indy car races............The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat.........The South has grits.

The North has green salads...............The South has collard greens

The North has lobsters.......................The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt.................The South has the Bible Belt...

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Fourmen in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or Big 'ol" boy.. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this." You should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had Kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Have a good day! Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it. Your relatives would get a kick out of it too.

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas!

COUNTRY PREACHER

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.

Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.

If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.

He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright

1500's Funny Facts

Here are some interesting facts about the 1500's: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, and then the women and finally the children and last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 was found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright

THE CENTIPEDE

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him, so he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"

A little voice came out of the box..

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

As forwarded by my Navy buddy Clay!

Priorities Change

As we age, our priorities change .......

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

As forwarded by my Navy buddy Clay!

The blond cowgirl

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

As forwarded by my Step-dad, Tex Wright!

These are really from military manuals/publications:

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS AREGUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOULEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OFYOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." -Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." -David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." -Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." -Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." -Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." -UnknownMarine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." -Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas!

Little Green Grass Snakes

Little Green Grass Snakes can be dangerous....
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater Texas (you just know it had to be Texas :D), had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house so she called on the neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing her hand dangled in between the cushions where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the woman tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered. As the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police required a new car and all was right in the world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in the plants for the night........

She shot him!!!

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas!

Supper (perhaps the last supper!)

A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives with the menu, the man says without even looking at it, "I'll have your world famous Porterhouse steak . . . the bigger, the thicker, the juicier, the better".

The waiter replies: "Monsieur, what about ze mad cow ?"

The man replies: "She'll have a salad."

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas!

A A A D D

I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

... As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

.... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

.. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

.. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

.. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

... As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

... I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

... I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

... I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.... I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

... So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

... Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

.... At the end of the day:
* the car isn't washed
* the bills aren't paid
* there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
* the flowers don't have enough water,
* there is still only 1 check in my check book,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses,
* and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

... Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

Sent to me by several..

Dumb and Dumber

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!) Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE -

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Sent to me by a friend from Lohn.

Texas Rainstorm

After a hardy Texas rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes".

A little off color but I laughed out loud when I read this one! Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Cowboy..

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas!

Three Year-Old Accident...

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing!

He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas!

Divorce Settlement...

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas!

Beetle vs. Rolls...

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.. I just love to here dat cajun talk!

Cajun Fishermen

One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin, Boudreaux made a confession. "We all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."

Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you."

Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to liv. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat yall wont let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together."

Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend as asked.

Sho' nough, six munts later Beoudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say. "I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church," Fontenot admitted. Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'....anyting, Make it rhyme."

Fontenot, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say, "Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd be here wit us."

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.. glad I don't have this job!

I Love My Job

The next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft.Wayne, IN, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

" Hi Sue: Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It is a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite cool! So to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I get to the bottom and start working is take the hose and stuff it down the back of the wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. Of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jelly fish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry. When I arrived at the surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.. posted especially for some of my Golf Buddies: Apple, Lane, Tom, and Chris.. who knows maybe we can go next year!

The 10 Best Caddie Replies

# 10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

.

She Won

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.. got to give those blondes a fair shake with this one even if it takes a shot at men!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright..

Blonde Joke

A blonde lady motorist on I-8 was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep the monkeys on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde, walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd. With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know, and I did take them to the zoo," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so we went to the movies!!!"

As forwarded by my Step Dad, Tex Wright.. They must be getting older.. it can't be me!

Elderly Humor ..

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
-------------
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

As forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright.. not that I am getting older but these are "oldies"..

No one believes seniors..

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.. not too sure about some of them!

40 Things You May Not Know

1. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickle the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - otherwise it will digest itself.
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print.
11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
18. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants!
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
22. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
28. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.
40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

It is Easter week so these will be more of a religous humor. As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - WEST TEXAS STYLE

People here in West Texas sometimes have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the Ten Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in West Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

"Cowboy's Ten Commandments" posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas :

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Two Priests

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to let you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks."The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord. St. Peter replied, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Canada."

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic!"

Is That Jesus?

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back.. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me . . I'm drawin' disability!"

It is Spring Break time so what the heck.. how about some school jokes. As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

God is Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

Blood

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Kindergarten Drawings

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Jonah and the Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Man from West Texas

A man owned a small farm in West Texas.

The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy him chewing tobacco", replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit", says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me".

You may know that Dan Rather retired from his CBS anchor position Wednesday after his false National Guard service story about President Bush during last year's election. I think this says it all:

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

This is Rather Accurate..

Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"1

"OK" said Little Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"

"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."

"Well, then" said Little Tommy, "How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know.."

As forwarded by an old friend of mine.

Hollywood Squares

For those of us old enough to remember these guys!

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Maturity

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!" he said.

As forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

A husband and wife are driving down the highway, with the wife behind the wheel, when the husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increases her speed to 55 mph.

"And don't try to talk me out of it," he says "Because I am having an affair with your best friend and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel tightly and slowly increases the speed to 65.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. She inches up to 75 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues. She is now doing 80 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll take the bank accounts, credit cards and the boat."

The car starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife replies in a quiet and controlled voice, "I've got the only thing I need."

"Oh really?" he inquires. "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says.....

"The airbag!"

.

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been> > meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you. any longer. I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say prostitute? I thought ye said PROTESTANT!!"

ONCE A BAPTIST---- ALWAYS A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Another for "Suzy" and Colt as forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?" The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

This one was forwarded by my Mom - Pat Wright.

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a hangover so huge he can't believe it.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean ... so is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and then notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping -- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast on the stove and the morning newspaper on the table. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, a rose was on my pillow, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

This one was forwarded by my Step-Dad Tex Wright.

Ha-Ha

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding on the interstate in San Antonio.
Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: yes ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your drivers license, please?
Woman: I'd give it to, but I don't have one.
Officer: You don't have one?
Woman: Lost it. 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see.... Can I see your registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that...
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: You stole it??
Woman: Yes, And killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: YOU WHAT?
Woman: His body parts are in the trunk in a plastic bag if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman's car, a senior officer approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your car please!

The woman steps out of her car.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
S. Officer: One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner???
S. Officer: Yes Ma'am, Could you open the trunk please? The woman open the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
S.Officer: Is this your car, Ma'am?
Woman: Yes sir, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
S.Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a drivers license.
The woman digs in her hand bag, pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. He examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
S. Officer: Thank you ma'am, One of my officers told me that you didn't have a license, that you stole a car, and that you murdered the owner and hacked up the body.
Woman : I bet that liar told you I was speeding, too.

This one is for my Aggie Brother-in-Law, Troy, as forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Boudreaux and Thibodaux

Boudreaux was sitting in the City Bar in Maurice, La. one Saturday night, and had several beers under his belt. After a while, he looks at the guy sitting next to him, and asks him, "Hey, you wanna hear a good Aggie joke, you?

The big guy replies, "Let me tell you something. I'm an oilfield roughneck, I weigh 270 pounds, and I don't like Cajuns. My buddy here is a pro football player, weighs 300 pounds, and he doesn't like Cajuns either. His friend on his other side, is a professional wrestler, weighs 320 pounds, always has a chip on his shoulder, and he likes Cajuns even less than we do, and we are all Aggies. Do you really want to tell us an Aggie joke ?"

Boudreaux, all 150 pounds of Cajun attitude, tells him, "Well, I guess not. After all I don't want to have to explain it three times !"

Another for "Suzy" and Colt as forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Psychology - Suthun Style

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddyup'. "

Another for "Suzy" and Colt as forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

FIRST TIME USHERS

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

Another for "Suzy" and Colt as forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

GRANDMA'S AGE

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

This one is for "Suzy" and Colt as forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

SUPPORT A FAMILY

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

Another a little off color, but I know Jessica and some others of you have been needing a fix and I laughed out loud when I read this one! Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Just a Wee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic looking human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell......pregnant when you met her."

Poker Player of the Year!

A little off color for what I usually do but clean as a whistle compared to some of the others I have recently recieved! Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill' s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Hillbilly Hunter

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The Game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas Hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

A Cat Story

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabby hit a parked car.

Gladys Dunn

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Having just moved to town, Gladys Dunn decided that the First Sunday, she'd visit the church nearest to her new apartment. She found herself in a pretty sanctuary, and as the service began, she enjoyed the music offered by the choir. But when the sermon began, it went on and on and on. In fact it was without substance and not at all interesting.

Glancing around, she noticed that many in the congregation were nodding off, not even trying to stay awake. Finally it was over, though, and people stood up for the final hymn.

After the service, to be social, she turned to the still sleepy looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

The gentleman replied, "You and me both!"!

Why Men Souldn't Take Messages

Well you have to be careful with these sometimes when putting on a web page because of copyrights but this one was sent to by my Mom, Pat Wright and it doesn't look like it is copyrighted.

1955

A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."

Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Rules To Enter Texas

Applies to each person as they enter Texas.
Learn and remember:

East Coast and California-types pay close attention!

1. Pull your pants up. You look like and idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a "gravel road". I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
3. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
4. So every person in every pickup waves, its called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
5. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
6. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi and Caviar? It's available at the closest bait shop.
7. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious Holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
8. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
9. College and High School Football is as important as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
10. Colleges? Try Texas, Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the Holidays.
11. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess With Texas".
12. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the United States, but the U.S. can't make it without Texas".

Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

The Redneck Love Poem

Forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright.

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said,"There's trouble still."

"You can't marry Will, my gal.
And please don't tell yo' Mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mama knew and said, "My Child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy."

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo.

Forwarded by Tex and Pat Wright from my Uncle Bob and Aunt Lenora Coder.

On a winter morning, while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says:"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." So, Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park....." and then the electricity goes out in the middle of the sentence. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Pilot Story

Forwarded by Clay Hubbard aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.

The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember... things aren't always as they appear.

Naughty Boys

OK, I know I am way behind on the Funnies pages but nobody has been sending me any.. at least that are suitable for SantaAnnaNews.com. This one forwarded by Clay Hubbard aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!?!"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?!?!"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."