Welcome to SantaAnnaNews.com

I have wanted to do this page every since I started SantaAnnaNews.com
We all get those e-mails from friends and relatives and I like the funny ones that are rated G for Good! So I thought I would throw a few in to maybe give you a laugh for your day.

Christmas With Louise

OK, I know I got a little behind during the Holidays on the Funnies page so here is one last funny Christmas story forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day..

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Christmas Postage Stamps

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

A blonde woman goes to the Post Office to buy Christmas stamps. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk asks, "What denomination?"

The blonde woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptist!

Airline Security

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

A man is sitting in a plane ready to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside him, right at the last minute. The Lab is situated in the middle seat, being strapped in by his handler while the first man looks quizzically at the dog and the guy, and the whole strange situation. The second man then quickly explains that both he and the dog work for the airline.

"Don't mind Sniffer;" he said, Sniffer is a sniffing dog. He's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the guy, "Watch this." Then he commands the dog, "Sniffer, search!"

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, then jumps up and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. Sniffer then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

The handler says "Good boy, Sniffer!"

He then turns to the first man and says, "That woman has marijuana in her purse, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Sweeeeet!" exclaimed the first man.

Once again Sniffer is dispatched to the aisle to continue his search. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.

The handler says, "That man is carrying blow -- you know, cocaine. So again I'm making a note of this and the guy's seat number."

"Unbelievable!" says the first man.

For the third time Sniffer is sent on his mission. Sniffer goes up and down the aisle and after a while sits down next to another passenger. This time he comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from an otherwise well trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the heck is going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb.

The Mommy Test

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, " . . . everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Newborn Babies

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Two elderly Walmart greeters, Mildred and Ethel, were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Ethel, I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're the same age, how do you feel?"

Ethel says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really, Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep, No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

Forwarded by one of my friends from Millersview.

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered,,,,,,,not yelled.

Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway

Don't squat down with your spurs on.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Only cows know why they stampede.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

Can you hear me now?

Forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright.

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

And she says, "For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Bad Day?

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained...

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand and apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute...listen to my side of the story."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. In doing so I tore my suit and had to go upstairs and change. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. Being late, my usual parking place had been taken and I had to drive around to find another one.

When I finally got to the store, there were a bunch of people impatiently waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the dang phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was YOUR wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me Mister, as God is my witness...

ALL I DID WAS TELL HER!

WARNING FOR MEN!!!

Forwarded by Clay Hubbard.

THE HORMONE WARNING: The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Sunday morning songs

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach ~~

whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE"

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX"

The congregation fell in total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing

"PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

Spanish Computer

Forwarded by one of my friends from Millersview.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lápiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Amazing Brain

Forwarded by one of my friends from Millersview.

This is amazing. Try to read the paragraph below, then consider what It actually says. The brain is a wonderful thing isn't it?

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy.

SENIOR PICK-UP LINE:

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

An elderly gentleman, in his mid 90's, with hair well groomed, a great looking suit, a flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a very nice after shave, and presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar, an elderly lady, mid 80's, also well dressed and attractive is sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders adrink, takes a sip, turns to her and says....

"So tell me, do I come here often?"

Shirley Goodnest

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Timmy was a five year old boy. His mother loved him very much. A worrier, she was concerned when he started kindergarten about his walking to school. She walked him to school for a couple of days, but one day he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like the "big boys."

She had an idea how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to follow her son surreptitiously to school, at a distance that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler, Marcy. Anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and Marcy set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that a lady was following them every day all week.

Finally, he asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." "Well, who is she?"

"That's Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she, and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm 'cuz she worries about me so much. And the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

THE END IS NEAR ! ! ! !:

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before it's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turned to the priest and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

HOW TO END THE WAR IN IRAQ-Southern-STYLE:

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

The Pentagon announced today the formation of an elite fighting group called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF)

The boys, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss, and Bo will be well armed and dropped behind enemy lines and given the following information about the Iraqis:

1. The season opened last weekend.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The war should be over in a week.

Actual Ads from The New York Times:

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE . BETTER BE A REWARD.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE.. ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED ... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.

HUMMERS LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED USED ONCE.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.

FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB

(AND THE BEST ONE) . . FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Tater Joke

Forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright, of Santa Anna:

Girl potato and boy potato had eyes for each other, and finally they married and had a little sweet potato, which they called "Yam", of course.

They wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally smashed, and get a bad name for herself, like hot potato and end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her.

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called the French fries, and when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, Frito Lay.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (That's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips, but in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw?!?!

Mr. and Mrs.. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a

(Are you ready for this?)


(Wait for it.)


Common tater!

Random Thoughts:

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

You Know you are from Texas if:

Forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright, of Santa Anna:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no mater what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)

6.. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

10. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world".

20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.

Things I have learned about Texas:

Forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright, of Santa Anna:

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before. Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you! Nothing will kill a mesquite tree. There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

Friday Blonde Joke

Forwarded by my Mom, Pat Wright, of Santa Anna:

Two blondes were sitting on a porch in Texas.

One says to the other.

Which do you think is further away, Florida or the Moon?

The other says, Helloooooo....... can you see Florida?

OK - one John Kerry Joke with a Marine in it

Just because my Mom, Patsy Wright of Santa Anna, sent it!

One sunny day early in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I have told you twice already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and does not reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man softly answered, "Oh, I understand; I just love hearing it again and again." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "See you tomorrow!"

Car Accident

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' " asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene, that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident the is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to see her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. "Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'

"Now, what would you say?"

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

The Quarterback

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' "Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking his or her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares" . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

The Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

Posted with apologies from me to my lawyer friend and Santa Anna folk, Mike Hartman of Snyder!

New Ranch

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything.

We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. Looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"

"None of 'em survived the branding."

Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Walking

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

Little Melissa and the Marines

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Catholic saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and then once he's out in the open, the Marines could blow him away!"

Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.

Winner of THE WORST JOKE OF THE WEEK Reward

Forwarded by my Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton Texas.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Always be carefull on what you wish for..

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.

"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Bumper Stickers with an Attitude

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Hang up and drive!!

Submitted by My Step-Mom Marian Pelton of Canton, Texas

ARE YOU FROM A SMALL TOWN?

You Might Be From A Small Town If....

a.. You can name everyone you graduated with.
b.. You know what 4-H is.
c.. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

a.. You used to drag "main."
b.. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't (same goes with the game warden)
c.. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

a.. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).
b.. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
c.. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

a.. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
b.. You had senior skip day.
c.. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

a.. You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
b.. You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend).
c.. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

a.. You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
b.. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
c.. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."

a.. The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.
b.. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
c.. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

a.. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
b.. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
c.. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.

a.. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
b.. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
c.. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.

a.. Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
b.. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
c.. Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.

a.. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
b.. You can charge at all the local stores.
c.. The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away...

a.. ...So is the closest mall.
b.. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower.
c.. You laugh your head off reading this because you know they're all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town!

Thanks to Clay Hubbard hubbard.clay@lincoln.navy.mil for sending this one.