Coder's Corner - SantaAnnaNews.com

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 8

Anniversary Verse

                                      As each new year of marriage we count,

                                      My dear, no truth is clearer:

                                      As the years that we’re together mount,

                                      Our memories grow dearer.

If a woman wants to surprise her husband on their anniversary, all she has to do is mention it.

Cool Celebration

Supper is cold,

My wife is hot.

Today’s our anniversary,

And I forgot!

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If my wife is the better half, then what does that make me?

The best way to understand a woman is to love her so much it isn’t necessary to understand her.

Husbands, never have the conception that your aches and pains are as serious as your wife’s headaches.

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Definitive Vegetables

                        spinach: Imported Japanese seaweed.

                   Brussels sprouts: Cabbage grown by headshrinkers.

                   cucumber: A sober pickle.

The Spoiler

                                      Conscience is that tiny voice

                                      That tells us what we shouldn’t ought

                                      But usually we make our choice

                                      From knowing that we might get caught.

Wishful Thinking

I answered the knock

At my front door,

And there stood a bill collector.

I pushed a button

And away he flew

In my bill collector ejector.

Business Excuses (why they didn’t succeed):

          Geologist: “It wasn’t my fault.”

            Truck Driver: “Someone steered me wrong.”

            Baker: “I kneaded too much dough.”

            Doctor: “I was ill-advised.”

            Gambler: “The odds were against me.”

            Accountant: “I lost my balance.”

            Barber: “I had a bad-hair day.”

            Watchmaker: “There just wasn’t enough time.”

            Astronomer: “It wasn’t in the stars.”

            Veterinarian: “Everything went to the dogs.”

It comes Up Short

Abbrvtn is a dndy wy

To shrtn wht u wnt to sy.

It wrks jst fin n prntd wrd,

But spkn, it snds quite absrd.

A person who will not listen to an active conscience must later deal with a retroactive one.

People, like fine furniture, sometimes reveal more character and value in later life.

Have you noticed,,,?

·        You can never convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

·        After you go over the hill, life zips by on the downside.

·        It’s no big deal whether you win or lose…until you lose.

·        After you give the crib away is when your sister gets pregnant.

·        People demonstrating athletic equipment never look like they need it.

·        Kids who won’t be still for a snapshot stand perfectly still for the video camera.

·        All the people who favor birth control have already been born.

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 7

The best way to avoid smashing your thumb with a hammer is to hold on to the handle with both hands.

Keeping up with the Joneses is one thing.  But passing them on a hill is risky.

It is my firm belief that seat belts are more comfortable than stretchers.

If your mother had known that you would…

¼   be so forthright, she would have named you Frank.

¼   have kisses sweeter that wine, she would have named you Sherry.

¼   be a man of such good fortune, she would have named you Lucky.

¼   be such a morning person, she would have named you Dawn.

¼   stay forever young, she would have named you Babe.

Budget Dining

                                                To market, to market,

                                                To buy a fine roast.

                                                Home again, home again,

                                                For chipped beef on toast.

One Defect

                                      An automobile is a work of art

                                      Assembled with care, part by part,

                                      Built strong and safe with tempered steel—

                                      Except for that nut behind the wheel.

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Drive not as if you owned the road, but as if you owned the car.

Fair Assumption

Quoted                              Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

                                          Who’s the fairest of them all?

                                          Golly, gee, it must be me,

                                          For I’m the only one I see!

          --Author Unknown

Another Fair Assumption

Original                          Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

                                      How may I be fairest of all?

                                      I think I know, but confirm my suspicion—

                                      Must I suffer malnutrition?

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Escape Hatch?

You can get into a lot of trouble by being right at the wrong time.  But you can often get out of trouble by being wrong at the right time.

                                                *        *        *        *

Speed Zone

After passing 90, your chances of going much farther in life are slim…especially if the 90 is on your speedometer.

Quoted  (I learned this verse as a teenager and am reminded of it every time I am tempted to insist on my right of way)

Epitaph

                                       Here lies the body of William Jay

                                      Who died defending his right of way.

                                      He was right—dead right—as he sped along,

                                      But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.

                                                          --Author Unknown

There are more tourist sites to go to theses days, but fewer reasons to go there.

If you want to be a real statesman, spend less time in the library studying the great philosophers and more time on the bus with people.

Quoted                 In our Father’s house are many mansions.

                                       I hope yours is close to mine.

                                                 --Author Unknown

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 6

You don’t know what you don’t know until someone tells you.

The cost of living is always the same—a little more than you can afford.

What’s that again?

·       Have you ever seen a walking stick?

·       Have you ever watched an orange bowl?

·       Have you ever heard a dog whistle?

·       Have you ever had a soda pop?

·       Have you ever followed a shopping cart?

·       Have you ever been embarrassed to see a salad dressing?

Up and At ‘Em

                                                Early to bed.

                                                Early to rise.

                                                Fix your own breakfast,

                                                Mr. Bright Eyes!

A man may spend endless hours on the job trying to build a better mousetrap when all the while his wife is out trying to make a better match.

                                                *        *        *        *

There are some rights worth dying for.  Your right of way is probably not one of them.

Indebted

In order for us to keep up with the Joneses,

We must take out too many new loanses.

Careful Driver

                        I never drive faster than I ought.

                             The reason, of course…I’m the one who’ll get caught.

Sticky Manners

                                        Try eating peas with honey.

                                         I’ve done it all my life.

                                        Although they do taste funny,

                                        The peas stay on your knife.

All of the bargains you find while shopping will be things you don’t need, can’t afford, of just bought at a higher price.

Nostalgia is what let’s us recall the taste of fresh country butter without remembering the drudgery of churning it.

There is one small advantage to being underprivileged.  Poor people are never kidnapped and held for ransom.

Quoted                Kind hearts are the gardens,

                                      Kind thoughts are the roots,

                                                Kind words are the flowers

                                                          Kind deeds are the fruits.

                                                                   --Author Unknown

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 5

No Way!

                             Some scientists say that humans came

                             From monkeys, but I doubt it.

                             Perchance our ancestors are the same,

                             But the monkeys sure don’t brag about it.

Interesting Questions

Ø    How does such a small world stir up so much trouble?

Ø    How many fig leaves did Eve try on before she said, “I’ll take this one”?

Ø    Why do generals have private restrooms and privates don’t?

Ø    What do butterflies get when they are nervous?

Ø    Why are narrow-minded people so thick headed?

Ø    Why do we need thousands of laws to enforce the Ten Commandments?

Gardening Strategy

                                      To cultivate a garden

                                      Requires much time and labor.

                                      It’s better to have a garden next door

                                      And cultivate your neighbor.

Fatal diseases are responsible for killing more people than any other kind.

Refinished Proverbs:

*         A journey of a thousand miles begins when you miss your freeway exit.

*         All things come to those who wait—except the repairman.

*         When in Rome, do as the Romans do—eat pizza.

*         Two heads are better than none.

*         A watched pot never boils over.

*         A fool and his money have many friends.

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A Cry of Dishtress

                             A crash was heard in the kitchen,

                             And mom cried out in distress.

                             “More dishes?” she asked of her children.

                             “No, mom,” sobbed the kids, “there are less.”

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Quoted                As a tree falls, so must it lie;

                                      As a man lives, so must he die;

                                                As a man dies, so must he be;

                                                          All through the days of eternity.

                                                                   --Author Unknown

Stinky Notes

(You know, those bright little notes that stick to things)

The Gas Station

Service station restrooms are usually locked,

Whether used by women or men.

The reason is apparent when you open the door—

It’s to keep the odor locked in.

Just Rewards

This is a warning

To you, my friend,

Get too big for your britches,

And you’ll be exposed in the end.

Pigeons

It isn’t how they waddle,

Nor how they bill and coo.

It isn’t how they poke about,

But mostly what they doo.

Sin of the Pen

There once was a poet named Purser

Whose morals grew worser and worser.

And all that he penned

Was of how he had sinned,

So that now he is just a vice verser.

No Wagging Tale

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,

But doesn’t want to find them.

The story is this:

She got a kiss

From the wolf who was lurking behind them.

Big Tease

An adventurous girl of Long Beach

Decided to strip at the beach.

The crowd was aghast

That this lady would da’st

Show her 300 pounds in the peach.

Stare Case

Mary wore a mini-skirt,

'Twas short beyond compare,

And everywhere that Mary went,

The boys were sure to stare.

The Outhouse

It is discommoding to know that the younger generations will never know the pleasure of sitting in an outhouse on a hot summer (or cold winter) day with nothing to read but what’s left of last year’s Sears Roebuck catalog.

Deflated

The right deacon Waller,

      In his stiffly-starched collar,

      Sat snug and content in his pew.

As he sat there, alas!

      He loudly passed gas,

      And now he’s less smug in his phew.

Don’t Laugh, It Could Be Verse

                Distorted Image

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

That’s not my image you’re portraying at all.

The person whose reflection I see

Is plain, not cuddly and cute like me.

            Facts and Figures

Here’s a fact that is certain and sure—

There’s no shadow of a doubt:

An hourglass figure is fashionable

Only till its time runs out.

     Unidentified Frying Object

The skillet was hot

      And ready for frying

When out of the blue,

      Something came flying.

It hit the hot oil,

      It sizzled and hissed.

Whatever it was,

      It will surely be missed.

      Appetite Suppressant

They say that the early bird

Gets the proverbial worm,

But personally I have no stomach

For foods that squiggle and squirm.

            No Eye Contact

I rarely see the pastor’s eyes,

Nor hear his message fine,

For when he prays, he closes his,

And when he preaches, mine.

     ‘Tis the Season?

It can’t be Santa

For it’s summer you know.

It’s the weeds I hear

Crying, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”

               Downsized

When you stand beside a person tall

It tends to make you feel quite small.

                 Pot Luck

The nervous witch was all ado.

She slipped and fell into her stew.

She stewed and stewed and stewed a lot.

Her end was there in her own pot.

            That’s Polygamy!

A man may have one wife, that’s all.

With two he is a bigamist.

But if some guy has three or more,

Should we call him a pigamist?

            Imagine This

Hi diddle, diddle,

The cat and the fiddle,

The dish ran away with the spoon.

It’s hard to believe

The rhymes we conceive,

Like a cow that can orbit the moon.

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 4

Allen, Texas, where I live, is a small town.  But it is part of the Dallas metroplex and has the lifestyle of a big city suburb.  Santa Anna, compared to Allen, is smaller and less citified.  But Santa Anna is large in comparison to the town described here:

     It’s a small town if…

          …where the roads cross is the city center.

          …there are no fast-food restaurants…or slow ones.

          …there’s no one to gossip with who isn’t who the gossip is about.

          …the phone book is handwritten.

          …the Baptist sits on the one side of the church, the Methodist sits on the other, and the Presbyterian preaches.

          …there’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.

          …all the news is delivered over the backyard fence.

          …there are plenty of parking spaces, but no reason to park there.

When a doctor is sick and goes to another doctor, should the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor being doctored the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or as the doctor doing the doctoring wants to doctor?

I never win at anything until it comes to dieting, then I can’t lose.

Quoted:  Never do your best.  It leaves no room for improvement.

                                                                   Anonymous

Letter Wise:  These little poems are written so that letters, numbers, or symbols represent words.  Read a single letter by its standard long sound; for example, B = “be” or “bee” and BB = “two bees,” or, bbbb might be read as “bees.”  Numbers and symbols are pronounced using their standard names.  With this explanation, try reading these:

U C ?

YY U R,

YY U B,

I C U R

YY 4 me.

            -Author Unknown. (I learned this as a teenager about 60 years ago.)

Emile

                                      I know that MLeeee a tttt,

                                      But she convinces me with eeee

                                      When she blinks those flirty iiii,

                                      And tells me I am O so yyyy.

Ellen

                                      O LN U have pretty iiii,

                                      O LN, U I idolize.

                                      4 U my © does always pine,

                                      O LN say U will B mine.

Elsie

                                      O LC, I’m in XTC.

                                      It’s in your arms I want 2 B.

                                      My ©, O LC, U have won.

                                      O how I wish us 2 B 1.

Defining Traits

pride:  The only thing you can swallow that doesn’t have calories.

ambition:  Exceleration.

inquisitive:  Discreetly nosy.

zeal:  The quality that wins out when ability plays out.

patience:  Wait control.

tireless:  Resisting a rest.

happiness:  Living in the pleasant tense.

A woman’s promise to be on time is nullified by any unforeseen circumstances that may arise.

Everyone responds to kindness.

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 3

A Tribute to Mothers

Sunday, May 14, is the day we observe to honor our cooks, housekeepers, nurses, taxi drivers, tutors, advisors, trainers, and personal attendants—otherwise know as mothers.

The Real Surprise is in the Kitchen

                                                Breakfast in bed?

                                                Oh, what a surprise!

                                                Two snickering children

                                                With bright, smiling eyes.

                                                Scrambled eggs and burnt toast

                                                On a sticky tray—

                                                It’s the kids’ way of saying,

                                                “Happy Mother’s Day!”                                            

Aptly Defined

            mother:  Chore leader.

            motherhood:  The brat race.

            childhood:  The basic training of life.

            child psychology:  The cunning methods children use to get their way.

Mothers. Where would we be without them?

OTHER-WISE?

                             They say that a wise man says little,

                             And that could be true, I suppose,

                             But for many I’ve seen, it may also mean

                             That he’s just told you all that he knows.

Any worker who constantly watches the clock will never become anything more than one of the hands.

Checks and Balances

Ø      People who claim to make ends meet either stretch their dollars…or the truth.

Ø      Some people go to the bank to withdraw all their money.  I just turn my piggy bank upside down and shake all my money out through the slot in the top.

Ø      Spend too much green and you’ll wind up in the red.

Ø      One of life’s greatest disappointments is to learn that the person who does the advertising for a bank is not the one who makes the loans.

Ø      You have to give credit to the young families of today.  They can’t live without it.

Theories on How to Raise Children

Policeman:  Encourage them to obey the rules.

Teacher:  Fill their heads with knowledge.

Librarian:  Give them a book to read.

Clown:  Give them something to laugh about.

Judge:  Teach them to be fair and just.

Mechanic:  Show them how to repair their lives after a breakdown.

Farmer:  Cultivate their minds.

Banker:  Teach them the value of money.

Attorney:  Defend them when they make a mistake.

Preacher:  Fill them with spiritual knowledge.

Nurse:  Patch their booboos with band aids.

Accountant:  Help them keep their lives in balance.

Coach:  Remind them to keep their goals in mind.

Maid:  Teach them to clean up their own messes.

Father:  All of the above.

Mother:  Love the little boogers with no strings attached.

Coder’s Corner Extra

Fictitious Towns Game

This is a game that anyone can play, alone or with a group, provided you know the states of the United States and some of their common abbreviations. It’s a fun way to pass time and would be great for a small social event.  To play, you simply use any abbreviation for the name of a state along with a town name of your own creation to come up with a fictitious new place name having a twist of some sort.  You may use either the two-digit Post Office Code or any of the standard abbreviations for state names.  Pronunciation, of course, may be skewed a bit for effect.  Here are some examples I have created to get you started:

          Low, Cal                Rin Tin, Tenn                   Barbieand, Ken

          Ding Dong, Del      Ilove, NY                         Hit, ME

          Big, Tex                 Cats, PA                         Bogus, ID

          Vita, Minn              Hee, Haw                        Wyowyo, WY

          Noahs, Ark             Fraught With, NV             Slo, MO

          Oohmpa, PA Grand, MA                       Ofcourseu, Kan

          Available, Miss       Moo, LA                          Em, NM

          Car, Wash             Hail, Mary                        Fall, IN

          Perfect, Tenn         Fountain, Penn                Imokur, OK

Get the idea?  Try it yourself.  As a variation, use country names rather than states; for example:  Cub Scout, Den (Denmark), Flu, Germ (Germany), CD, Rom (Romania), Whatsthe, S Kor (South Korea), or Tex, Mex (Mexico).

Marriage Can Be Fun

NOTE:  These are for fun.  While I make light of marriage, these quips are not necessarily true of my own marriage and probably not of yours.  Being able to laugh about it, though, makes marriage all the more enjoyable.

Marriage is like riding a unicycle.  It looks easy enough until you try it.

Marriage opens the eyes of those who fall blindly in love.

Some men would be perfectly content to remain bachelors, while women would rather knot.

Opposites Attract

                                                One person chooses silver,

                                                Another chooses gold.

                                                One likes the temperature hot,

                                                The other likes it cold.

                                                Down through the years.

                                                This truth has tarried:

                                                Invariably these two

                                                Will wind up married.

There are two matters that ought to be settled before marriage:  when the husband can play golf or go fishing, and how much the wife can spend at the hairdresser’s.

Give a man enough rope and he’ll skip.  Give a woman enough rope, and she’ll tie the knot.

Adam and Eve raised Cain, and marriage partners have been doing the same ever since.

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Bursting the Bubble

                                                Her smile when you were dating

                                                Of course was very sweet,

                                                But now it’s not so charming

                                                O’er a bowl of Shredded Wheat.

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A wedding ring serves the same purpose as a tourniquet—to stop the wearer’s circulation.

Marriage works much like the sign at a railroad crossing:  when you see a girl, you stop and look.  Then, after you marry her, you listen.

The trouble with marriage today is that couples marry for better or worse, but not forever.

Slip Knot?

                                    The marriage vows becomes adverse

                             When the bride and groom, enchanted,

                             Who took each other “for better or worse,”

                             Now take each other for granted.

Marriage is like the tango, except that in marriage it is usually the man who bends over backward.

Judging by the divorce rate, some couples who promised to love, honor, and obey didn’t understand the question.

To most people these days, the second honeymoon is the one that comes after the second marriage.

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Togetherness

                                                You may have noticed how it is

                                                That a marriage quickly sours

                                                When things that used to be hers or his

                                                Suddenly become ours.

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Love at first sight is not so remarkable.  What’s truly great is to still be in love after forty or fifty years together.

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 2

Definitions for Dummies

scale:  A device you step on early in the morning to determine the mood you’re in.

delegation:  A subtle way of passing the buck.

television:  Watching machine.

innocence:  An air of undetected guilt.

egotist:  One who is always on an I-level with you.

ambition:  Esteem engine.

inquisitive:  Discreetly nosy.

Have you asked your doctor about those miracle drugs advertised on TV that instantly and miraculously cure whatever ails you?

The best way to make ends meet is to get off yours.

Simple Cure

                                                I was a hypochondriac,

                                                From simple cold to cardiac,

                                                But now I don’t pretend I’m ill—

                                                You see, I can’t afford the bill.

Man is a worm that squiggles along until some chick gets hold of him.

Most men will occasionally allow a woman to make them look foolish, but some prefer the do-it-yourself approach.

No boy wants to grow up to have as little common sense as his father.

Life’s Little Curiosities

Ø      If worry does no good, then why do the things we worry about seldom happen?

Ø      Why does no one ever put out a sign that says, “Friendly Dog”?

Ø      How does a one-pound box of candy make you gain two pounds?

Ø      Why does a woman who has nothing to wear need so much closet space?

Ø      Is eternity any nearer today than it was yesterday?

Ø      Do I. R. S. agents themselves ever get audited?

To my fellow senior citizens:  If you’re worried about having a poor memory…now, what was I saying?

Forget-Me-Not

                                    I tied a string around my finger,

                                    A reminder of who knows what,

                                    But days have passed, and I still don’t know

                                    What it was that I forgot.

Give the weather forecasters credit for something—they’ve disproved the theory that you will be right fifty percent of the time.

Temperature, humidity, pollen count, pollution factor…remember when you could just step out the back door, sniff the fresh country air, and know that it was going to be a nice day?  (Maybe you can still do that in Santa Anna, but not in the city.)

Parting Shot

There are five ways you can become a millionaire:  Earn it.  Inherit it. Steal it.  Sue for it in court.  Or win the lottery.  There is also a sixth way…in your dreams!

BC’S NOTES AND QUOTES NO. 1

Smile!  Your friends will wonder what you’re up to.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look so surprised.

                        Slap of the Tongue

Would you say that gossip is hint and run conversation?

Did you hear about

¼     the chimney sweep who wore a business soot?

¼     the baker who kneaded some dough?

¼     the geologist who had no faults?

¼     the accountant who lost his balance?

¼     the tailor who mended his ways?

Electronic gadgets confuse me. I’m still trying to understand how those old drug-store scales could tell your fortune.

            Money Hungry

If money really grew on trees

I’d move to the forest primeval.

I’d harvest all the “fruit” I could,

Then live off the “root of all evil.”

Speeding drivers are less likely to get hurt than the slow ones who get in their way.

One of the things I find hard to believe is a recorded message that says, “Your call is important to us.”

A Crash Course in Lexicography

         automobile: A clever contrivance to despoil the benefits of walking.

         speed limit:  ZIP code.

         toll road:  A coin-operated speedway.

         rush-hour traffic: Car wars.

         honk: To horn in.

         speed reading: A skill found useful when a police car pulls in behind you.

Talk is cheap because the supply is so much greater than the demand.

I used to be apathetic, but now I just don’t care.

Gravity is that mysterious power which prevents people from becoming angels.

AS A RULE:

-The people who have the gold make the rules.

-Any system will work provided that the people behind it do.

-Praise improves a person’s sense of hearing.

-Success causes the head to swell and the heart to shrink.

-Pretending to be rich will only make you poorer.

-You can’t watch the clock and the boss at the same time.

You don’t know what you don’t know until somebody tells you.

It takes the average human male a year of two to learn to talk, and forever after to learn when not to.

            The Electronic Age

Adult education, you will agree

Has finally gone too far

When kids must teach their parents how to operate

The family’s new VCR.

Somewhere out there is probably an unmarried female English teacher named Ms. Speller.

Quoted:                                 

                        Life is short

                                    Death is sure

                                                Sin the cause,

                                                            Christ the cure.

                                                                        --Author Unknown

Excerpts from the Files of a Taxpayer

Only in America can we so openly ridicule our government and its system of taxation.  We can do this because most of us know and understand that, with all its faults, the I. R. S. (Infernal Revenue Service) is generally one of the most fair and reasonable taxing agencies in the world.  With this understanding, here are a few light-hearted verses and quips from the files of the author, a taxpayer like you:

·         From one year to the next, we know the April 15 tax deadline is coming, but it still gets here sooner that we expected.

·         The only fair taxes are those that someone else has to pay.

·         Let’s not be too critical of the younger generation.  Becoming taxpayers will bring them back to reality.

·                                 You Figure

                  When income-tax time comes around

                  My spirits drag and droop,

                  For when figuring how much dough I owe,

                  I’m just an income poop.

·         The trouble with the government is that it has so many ways to spend money and only one way of getting it.

·         The folly of riches is made clear, first in the Bible and then on the income tax return.

·         People are living longer these days.  They have to in order to pay their taxes!

·         Drive carefully. There is already a shortage of taxpayers.

·                                                Taxed

                  Well, our income and outgo have been ascertained.

                  The losses and gains have all been explained.

                  Exemptions, withholdings, who’s been entertained,

                  Interest, expenses, such as are pertained.

                  Through all we’ve been patient—our wrath we’ve contained.

                  Records we’ve kept, receipts we’ve retained.

                  It’s a citizen’s duty, so we’ve not complained,

                  But our nerves and our pocketbook both have been strained.

·         With April 15 so closely following April 1, it is no wonder that a fool and his money are soon parted.

·         Money gets around.  First the government makes it.  Then you earn it.  Then the government makes you give it back.

·         The I. R. S. changed my nest egg into a goose egg.

·                                 Take Notice

                        There’s a sign in the I. R. S. office

                        Near the door you pass through as you leave.

                        The warning suggests very tartly,

                        “It is better to give than deceive.”

·         It won’t cost anything to pay your income tax with a smile.  If that doesn’t work, however, you’ll have to use money.

·         I would gladly pay my taxes with a smile if the government didn’t insist on hard cash.

·         Everyone wants a slice of the American pie.  But please understand that the government cannot give to some people without first having taken from others.

·         It is better to have to pay taxes on your income than to have no income on which to pay taxes.

·                                 I Owe America!

                        My income tax is due again,

                        Which causes me much pain.

                        You see, I know I’ll have to pay—

                        But how?  With an I. O. U. S. A.?

·         The pleasure of living in a democratic society is that everyone can complain about the taxes. And most do.

·         Rest assured that, in America, we have full control over how we pay our taxes—by check, money order, or payroll deduction.

·         The taxpayer is likely America’s first natural resource to be completely exhausted.

·                                 Hidden Assets

                        You may be a person of untold wealth

                        And consider yourself a success,

                        But you can get into serious trouble

                        If you don’t tell the I. R. S.

·         .Your largest deduction for income tax purposes will likely be the one from your bank account.

·         As for income-tax refunds, never have so many waited so long for so little.

·         I’ll pay my U. S. income taxes.  It’s a small price to pay for the freedoms we enjoy!

·                                 Income Tax Question

                        One April 15^th dank and dreary,

                        It was late and I was weary.

                        With a sigh I thrust my return down the mail slot,

                        But…did I sign the thing or not?

On Spring

Fresh Start

The rising sun awakes the day,
And sends the scent of spring my way.
As warmer breezes start to flow,
A daffodil peeks through the snow.
The birds begin their cheery song.
It’s time for Old Winter to move along.

Refreshing Work

Skies washed clear and dyed with blue,
Meadows mopped with glistening dew,
Clouds like giant pillows fluffed,
Bleached pure white and gently puffed.
Grass that sparkles bright and green,
Rain-washed breezes, fresh and clean,
Babbling brooks that swiftly flow,
Filled with newly-melted snow.
Of all this toil, what is the meaning?
It’s Mother Nature doing her spring cleaning.

The joy of spring is that it comes along just when it’s most needed.

Mixed Emotions

Ah, the precious smell of spring,
As weather warms and robins sing,
But then, with pause, I cry, “Alas!”
It’s time again to mow the grass.

‘Tis the Season

Spring, of course,
Has its pluses and minuses,
Most of which
Affect the sinuses.

You understand the enormous task of building a better world when you set out to do your spring cleaning.

Spring Fever

I feel lethargic
And lose my focus
When spring springs out
And out springs the crocus.

Showers of Blessings?

So lovely is spring as a season,
With its bright sunny days and brisk winds,
But for some mysterious reason,
Almost always it rains on weekends.

Spring, Sprang, Sprung

The seeds are sown,
The baskets hung,
The weeds, my back, And spring are sprung.

Unpredictable

We know, of course, spring will arrive
With her usual splash and splendor,
But it’s hard to predict her arrival time,
For she is of the feminine gender.

Simple Logic

It doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out why Robin Hood robbed only the rich. The poor had no money.

When crossing paths with someone larger than you, it is always wise to yield the right of weigh.

The best way to cure insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.

Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness probable doesn’t have either.

You can’t measure happiness by the amount of money one has. Someone with only five million dollars, for example, may be just as happy as someone who has ten million.

Great is the wisdom of the husband who thinks twice before he says nothing.

One of the best ways to keep peace in the house is for the husband to let his wife have her way sooner.

If your wife really loves you, you can entice her to do just about anything she wants to do.

A husband is fine-tuned when he really understands what his wife isn’t saying.

You can’t be the breadwinner if all you do is loaf.

There’s a foolproof way to reduce your income tax. Quit work.

The trouble with burning the candle at both ends is that eventually it gets hot in the middle.

Thrift is easy when you’re rich.

It isn’t a bargain if you have no money to buy it.

Laughter is contagious, but so are tears.

The item you can’t find will always be found in the last place you look. Of course it will be! After you find it, there’s no reason to look any further.

The best way to save money is to retreat rather than charge.

Politicians don’t have to fool all of the people—just the ones who vote.

It’s so depressing to see so many rich people spend so much money so wantonly, and know that you can’t help them.

If you drive fast enough, you may get where you’re going five minutes earlier…or several years earlier.

The best place to look for rain is under a cloud.