Bob & Lenora Coder
James Pelton's News for and about folks from Santa Anna Texas
This page of SantaAnnaNews.com is one that features the inspirational and humorous writings of my Mom's brother and my Uncle Robert (Bob) Coder.
My Uncle Robert and his wife Lenora live in Allen, Texas where they are retired. They have done missionary work in Zimbabwe since retiring and Uncle Robert has also written for Baptist organizations and Mature Living magazine.
Bob & Lenora Coder
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 17
Define Line of Marriage
love: A groping disease for which there is no known cure.
kiss: A delightful way of conversing without words.
bride: a wedding belle with a special ring.
groom: A drip in the sea of matrimony.
honeymoon: From Here to Maternity.
marriage: A union contract.
marriage altar: Hitching post.
honeymoon house: Where the bride and broom stay.
The darkest day in a person’s life is when she or he begins to plot ways to acquire money without working for it.
These days, you’d better stand strait, watch what you say, and smile. You’re probably on someone’s video camera.
Have you noticed that Easy Street is not on the map?
Atheists will have only themselves to blame for their circumstances in the hereafter.
“Isn’t he cute? Can we take him home?”
The children insist that they need him.
But when the puppy is theirs and it’s supper time,
You can guess who gets to feed him.
Friend or Foe??
When friends stop by, my “watch” dog barks,
And growls, and bears teeth like a shark’s.
But to a stranger, he’ll never fail
To sidle up with wagging tail.
veterinarian: “Going to the dogs.”
sculptor: “Shaping up.”
photographer: “Clicking along.”
robber: “Holding up.”
geologist: “At rock bottom.”
elevator operator: “It has its ups and downs.”
Ø Who does a doctor see when he’s sick?
Ø Why does such a small world need so much money to run it?
Ø Are you still a citizen if you do not pay taxes or vote?
Ø Are you still a salesman if you never sell anything?
Ø Why is there no synonym for synonym?
Ø Do lightning bugs use AC or DC power?
Ø Why do men fight for freedom and then make laws to take it away?
I am king o’er the castle every day,
Provided, of course, that my wife is away;
But, when she is there, I must admit
That my crown of authority slips a bit.
It’s time to retire when you have all the money you need to live happily ever after.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 16
What’s Up, Robin?
I shot an arrow into the air.
It came back down, I know not where.
It didn’t come down, I theorize,
But is stuck up there in the smog-filled skies.
Take a snapshot of me anytime that you please.
Hold the camera firm and steady.
But have a heart and don’t say, “Cheese!”
Until you and the camera are ready.
If you have money to burn, you can always find someone around to fan the flames.
A miser isn’t much fun to have around, but I wouldn’t mind having one as an ancestor.
My wife and I have learned to make ends meet. She gets whatever she needs, and then I get whatever’s left over.
The girl who puts off marrying until the boy can support her isn’t very much in love.
vending machine operator: “Sluggish.”
doctor: “Not well.”
tie salesman: “Knot bad.”
chimney sweep: “Soots me.”
bus driver: “All stop and go.”
novelist: “That’s another story.”
barber: “Clipping along.”
spy: “That’s my little secret.”
pollster: “That’s my question.”
comedian: “It’s a laugh.”
astronaut: “Out of this world!”
Pros and Cons
All those clever gadgets sold
Through professional demonstrations
Never work the same at home
In amateur situations.
A woman tends to drive with care,
Avoiding risky capers.
She’s afraid she’ll have an accident,
And they’ll reveal her age in the papers.
During her teens, a girl needs good parents. In college, she needs a congenial personality. After that, she just need cash.
When you help someone else climb a hill, you too ascend to the top.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 15
…And ‘Round We Go
The world is mad up of all kinds of folks.
Some are big wheels and some are just spokes.
There are winners and losers and some are just learning,
But it takes them all to keep the world turning.
The bad thing about coming home from a vacation is that after you settle down, you must settle up.
Going with the flow is what makes rivers—and men—crooked.
·Some days you’re the dog. Some days you’re the fire hydrant.
·Some days you’re the early bird. Some days you’re the worm.
·Some days you’re sharp as a tack. Some days you sit on one.
·Some days you’re the star of the show. Some days you’re the ham.
·Some days you’re a rose. Some days you’re a thorn in the flesh.
·Some days you’re a sturdy tree. Some days you’re the sap.
·Some days you’re the early bird. Some days you’re the worm.
·Some days you’re the grasshopper. Some days you’re a spot on the windshield.
Fame and fortune await the inventor of any device that is low in cost, habit forming, and tax-deductible.
Conscience is like a buzzing bee that makes you uneasy even when it doesn’t sting you.
abecedarian: One who has advanced in educational skills beyond the first three letters of the alphabet.
beginner: A nervous novice.
chaperone: A square in the teeny bop circle.
dictionary: The only place the cart comes before the horse, divorce occurs before marriage, and success precedes work.
echo: A repeated (((sound))).
female: The feminine of e-mail.
grouch: One who spreads good cheer wherever he doesn’t go.
All of the news these days is bad. Apparently, good news is no news.
It’s good to get an education, even if you already know everything.
Expect surprises. Be in awe of miracles.
Quoted I’m going to be happy today
Though the skies are cloudy and gray,
No matter what comes my way,
I’m going to be happy today.
--Ella Wheeler Wilcox
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 14
Some people save and put away
A little cash for a rainy day
While others spend it in a twinkle
Whenever it begins to sprinkle.
Her jeans are such a perfect fit,
You wonder how she’s going to sit.
Itching to Know
Why do mosquitoes buzz and whine?
The skin they bite is yours or mine.
Debt is a prison from which it is difficult to escape.
Those who go along with the crowd are soon lost in it.
· A man’s home is his hassle.
· Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and they think you’re a wimp.
· If at first you don’t succeed, you didn’t listen to your wife’s advice.
· Money can’t buy happiness. So what? You couldn’t afford it anyway!
· Make haste while the sun shines, but not in rush-hour traffic.
· Money is the root of all financial success.
· All’s well that ends.
One Side of the Story
Someone tell me if you know,
Why is one stocking not a hoe?
Additionally, for one who knows,
Is “cloe” the singular for clothes?
Lives there a man with soul so dead
Who, passing pretty young coed,
Has never turned his head and said,
“Mmmm, not bad!”?
If you don’t know that a woman’s work is never done, sir, you’re not listening.
Some of the magazines in the doctor’s office have been waiting there a long time too.
So long as men are attracted to women, the trap will be baited with cheesecake.
¼ that most senior citizens are making up now for those naps they wouldn’t take as a child?
¼ that a straight line is the shortest distance between a toddler and anything breakable?
¼ that a real estate agent can improve the looks of your home just by mentioning the cost of a new one?
¼ that a book never interrupts with a commercial?
¼ that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but man gets stuck with the dog?
¼ that an oil well is an ugly structure…unless you own it?
¼ that no one jumps in to take credit when things go wrong?
This I haven’t the slightest doubt of:
That snow is delightful to stay in out of,
And the summer sun may scorch a bit,
But you never have to shovel it.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 13
There’s no need to worry about fire or flood ending the world. Long before that happens, technology will get you.
What we really need in our cities today is a course in defenseless driving.
A lot of college girls are majoring in boyology.
The pounds I lose,
Alas and alack,
Their own way back.
One thing that’s always worth a laugh
Is your driver’s license photograph.
Anytime you have a free night at home to watch TV, there will be either two good movies you have to choose from, or none.
If you are in the shower, you can be sure it is you for whom the bell tolls.
You need a vacation at home to recover from one on the road.
There are some baseball fans
Whose eyes are especially great.
They see better from the bleachers
Than the ump who’s behind the plate.
After several tries,
The kids realized
That their cat didn’t want
To be baptized!
Surely there is a better way to start the day than with the clamor of an alarm clock.
With state-sponsored gambling, the land of opportunity has become the land of chance.
“Early to bed and early to rise” may have worked for Ben Franklin, but that was before television.
There is no garden anywhere
More fresh and tasty than mine.
It must be true, for every bug in town
Flies or crawls to my garden to dine.
I once suggested to my wife
That dieting should be her way of life.
She promptly gave it to me straight
That my words carried little weight.-
Coder’s Corner Extra
all started with EVE. The first woman’s
name was a palindrome. My name, BOB, is
a palindrome. A palindrome is a word,
phrase, or sentence that reads the same forward or backward, like the title of
this article. Other examples of
palindromic names are
But let’s get back to Eve. Adam noticed her palindromic name. He appropriately introduced himself, saying, “MADAM, I’M ADAM.” (In palindromic sentences, the spaces and punctuation are commonly ignored when reading backward.) A later Bible story tells us about the first murderer, who was “CAIN, A MANIAC.” Most good palindromic sentences are short and pointed, like the above examples, since longer sentences tend to make little sense.
Relatively speaking, MOM and DAD are palindromes, as are MUM and POP. SIS is one, and so is BUB, if that’s what you call your brother—or any other obnoxious male you encounter.
What I find to be fun is to create palindromic pairs of words. To do this, find a word that when spelled backward makes another standard English word; for example; TIME-EMIT, MAY-YAM, WARTS-STRAW, or REVEL-LEVER. Below, I have listed several palindromic pairs of words and clues to help you identify the words. See how many you can complete.
Clues Word Reversed
cooking utensil lid (example) POT TOP
boasting attire B_ _ _ G_ _ _
half-related domestic animals S_ _ _ P_ _ _
celebrity rodents S_ _ _ R_ _ _
eager aria singer A_ _ _ D_ _ _
fish physician C_ _ D_ _
underwater public transportation S_ _ B_ _
smooth understructures of ships S_ _ _ _ K_ _ _ _
naked conflict R_ _ W_ _
uncolorful poet D_ _ _ B_ _ _
little bit naughty D_ _ B_ _
cozy weapons S_ _ _ G_ _ _
existing wickedness L_ _ _ E_ _ _
intelligent streetcars S_ _ _ _ T_ _ _ _
train track fibber R_ _ _ L_ _ _
money-gift storage place R_ _ _ _ _ D_ _ _ _ _
strained or fallen cakes or pies S_ _ _ _ _ _ _ D_ _ _ _ _ _ _
kingly light beer R _ _ _ _ L_ _ _ _
prevents stains S_ _ _ _ S_ _ _ _
Answers to “NOD ON”
Clues Word Reversed
cooking utensil lid POT TOP
boasting attire BRAG GARB
half-related domestic animals STEP PETS
celebrity rodents STAR RATS
eager aria singer AVID DIVA
fish physician COD DOC
underwater public transportation SUB BUS
smooth understructures of ships SLEEK KEELS
naked conflict RAW WAR
uncolorful poet DRAB BARD
little bit naughty DAB BAD
cozy weapons SNUG GUNS
existing wickedness LIVE EVIL
intelligent streetcars SMART TRAMS
train track fibber RAIL LIAR
money-gift storage place REWARD DRAWER
strained or fallen cakes or pies STRESSED DESSERTS
kingly light beer REGAL LAGER
prevents stains STOPS SPOTS
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 12
In horror I note that fashion’s amiss
When a design for a gaudy teenager
Appears—not on a fanciful young miss,
But upon a golden-ager.
The baby crawls!
The baby creeps!
The baby bawls!
The baby sleeps.
New parents know when it’s time to get up. It’s just after the baby has gone to sleep.
The motives and methods of a woman befuddle the simple mind of a man.
The stress nowadays may be on the youth, but the strain is still on the parents.
What’s the Norm?
A question that’s driven me almost insane;
Another that gives me a scare:
Will the world ever get back to normal again?
Or is it already there?
The lifeguard perches high in his chair
To look for danger everywhere,
But with bikini-clad girls in view,
Can his roving eye watch the ocean too?
To backslide, according to Webster, is “to lapse morally or in the practice of religion.” A backslider, then, as the word is commonly used, is one who has been active in church at some time in the past, but no longer attends services. Here are my definitions of a backslider:
Ø One who thinks the church membership list will be used “when the roll is called up yonder.”
Ø An ember which has fallen away from the fire and is slowly losing its glow.
Ø A church member who leaves his pew vacant and sleeps at home instead.
Ø One who can sleep without the somniferous effects of a sermon.
Ø A baptized believer who has dried out.
Ø A sinner who does not attend religious services and is therefore looked down upon by sinners who do.
Room for One More?
A sunset is radiant with color—
A miraculous display of light.
God knows how to get our attention
When He bids the world, “Goodnight.”
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 11
It angers me to get caught at a light
Behind some daydreaming fellow
Who sits while it’s green, then I must stop
As he sneaks through on yellow.
Rose is or read,
Violets or blew.
If this past ewer spell cheque,
Ewe knead won that’s knew.
I used to be …
¼ an electrician, but I blew a fuse one day.
¼ a banker, but I lost interest.
¼ a cashier, but I couldn’t wait for payday.
¼ a meteorologist, but the weather didn’t agree with me.
¼ a third baseman, but my mind was out in left field.
¼ an executive, but I was downsized.
¼ a plumber, but I was sent back to the minor leaks.
¼ a kennel operator, but I lost my leash.
¼ a cook, but I was deranged.
¼ a far Eastern diplomat, but I got disoriented.
Nothing makes a woman age faster than having her friends discover her date of birth.
An A & M freshman sought advice from a senior:
Freshman: “I want to know how long girls should be courted.”
Senior (with acquired wisdom): “The same as short ones.”
If you never step on anyone’s toes, you’re not dancing.
A bouquet of roses
Will quickly wilt,
But it often erases
A man’s sense of guilt.
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And now you know why.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 10
Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
Murphy’s Law with Coder’s Continuum: If anything can go wrong, it will…and all at once.
I live next door to the Joneses;
Now, please, I plead, dear Lord,
Stop my neighbors from buying
All those things I can’t afford.
Riddle Me This
Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A. They have the same middle name.
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the shell station.
Q. Why should you avoid playing poker on a safari?
A. Too many cheetahs.
“A” Definitions for Dummies
abnormal: Deviating from the normal, with oneself as the standard for comparison.
abortion: Retroactive birth control.
absent-minded: The condition of a Frenchman who has suffered the effects of a guillotine.
accordion: A foolish and annoying instrument which plays both ends against the middle.
acquiesce: To say “yes” in three syllables.
actor: A man who can do a bedroom scene with a beautiful actress and call it work.
adolescence: A particular time in life when a boy’s biological interests change from frogs and snakes to girls.
agreeable: Having superior taste, good judgment, prudent sensibility, and other high qualities of character not unlike my own.
The longer I live and the more problems I see in this troubled world, the more I realize—we’re not going to get out of this alive!
The Work Place
The average American receives more pay than a worker in any other country, but only a fraction of the amount he thinks he’s worth.
The problem where I work is that there are too many chiefs and not enough wampum.
The only people looking for hard work these days are the ones who pay for it.
Two hundred years ago, people who worked 15 hours a day were called slaves. Now, they’re called workaholics.
Employers are looking for two particular traits in an employee: those who are able to work, and those who are willing.
Take short vacations from your job. Maybe your employer won’t notice that he can get along without you.
The importance of your job is determined by whether you are requesting a raise or asking for a day off.
It’s tough on young people looking for work. They can’t get a job without experience, and they can’t get experience without a job.
You can appreciate your job more if you imagine yourself without it.
I often complained of various ills.
Upon my desk sat bottles of pills.
But I no longer wheeze and cough,
My boss is wise—she won’t let me off.
The good thing about starting at the bottom is that you can never drop below that level.
No one goes before his time—except when the boss leaves early.
I love my job. It’s the work I don’t like.
Women must do twice as well as men to receive half the credit that men get for their achievements. Fortunately, though, this is not too difficult to accomplish.
Most people are willing to put in a good day’s work on their jobs, but expect a week’s pay for it.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you will never get promoted.
For the working person,
It’s safe to say,
After a weekend off
Comes and awful day.
Hard work never killed anyone, but it does make your body ache.
Now You See it, Now You Don’t
I held my paycheck
Ever so briefly.
It was divied out—
To creditors chiefly.
Blessed are those who fill the positions they occupy.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 9
‘Tis the Season
It can’t be Santa,
For it’s summer you know.
It’s the weeds I hear
Crying, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”
It’s one of those unwritten laws
That dirty dogs have friendly paws.
The anticipation of a vacation often turns out to be better that the real thing.
My kids would probably respect me more if I could tell them something about computers.
If he… Call him…
* Welcomes you at the front door Matt
* Reminds you of a debt due Bill
* Is a moving man Van
* Adds flavor to food Herb
* Resides in a narrow, secluded valley Glen
* Frequently breaks things Buster
* Has a short, flat haircut Butch
* Is an uncle known for his patriotism Sam
* Helps determine your DNA Gene
* Has more money than you Rich
Why was the chicken crossing the road?
I haven’t the slightest notion.
But as a car sped by near to where it strode,
There was a flurry of poultry in motion.
Mrs. Murphy’s Husband’s Law
A rule that’s true both day and night,
I’ve know it all along,
Is: Half the time my wife is right—
The other half I’m wrong.
When walking past a mirror fast,
I wondered, “Who was that I passed?”
I stopped, stepped back, and looked to see—
Oh, what a shock, the wretch was me!
Those jerks who pretend to know it all are a real aggravation to those of us who do.
You get a glimpse of eternity when you buy a new car on the installment plan.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 8
As each new year of marriage we count,
My dear, no truth is clearer:
As the years that we’re together mount,
Our memories grow dearer.
If a woman wants to surprise her husband on their anniversary, all she has to do is mention it.
Supper is cold,
My wife is hot.
Today’s our anniversary,
And I forgot!
If my wife is the better half, then what does that make me?
The best way to understand a woman is to love her so much it isn’t necessary to understand her.
Husbands, never have the conception that your aches and pains are as serious as your wife’s headaches.
spinach: Imported Japanese seaweed.
Brussels sprouts: Cabbage grown by headshrinkers.
cucumber: A sober pickle.
Conscience is that tiny voice
That tells us what we shouldn’t ought
But usually we make our choice
From knowing that we might get caught.
I answered the knock
At my front door,
And there stood a bill collector.
I pushed a button
And away he flew
In my bill collector ejector.
Business Excuses (why they didn’t succeed):
Geologist: “It wasn’t my fault.”
Truck Driver: “Someone steered me wrong.”
Baker: “I kneaded too much dough.”
Doctor: “I was ill-advised.”
Gambler: “The odds were against me.”
Accountant: “I lost my balance.”
Barber: “I had a bad-hair day.”
Watchmaker: “There just wasn’t enough time.”
Astronomer: “It wasn’t in the stars.”
Veterinarian: “Everything went to the dogs.”
It comes Up Short
Abbrvtn is a dndy wy
To shrtn wht u wnt to sy.
It wrks jst fin n prntd wrd,
But spkn, it snds quite absrd.
A person who will not listen to an active conscience must later deal with a retroactive one.
People, like fine furniture, sometimes reveal more character and value in later life.
Have you noticed,,,?
· You can never convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
· After you go over the hill, life zips by on the downside.
· It’s no big deal whether you win or lose…until you lose.
· After you give the crib away is when your sister gets pregnant.
· People demonstrating athletic equipment never look like they need it.
· Kids who won’t be still for a snapshot stand perfectly still for the video camera.
· All the people who favor birth control have already been born.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 7
The best way to avoid smashing your thumb with a hammer is to hold on to the handle with both hands.
Keeping up with the Joneses is one thing. But passing them on a hill is risky.
It is my firm belief that seat belts are more comfortable than stretchers.
If your mother had known that you would…
¼ be so forthright, she would have named you Frank.
¼ have kisses sweeter that wine, she would have named you Sherry.
¼ be a man of such good fortune, she would have named you Lucky.
¼ be such a morning person, she would have named you Dawn.
¼ stay forever young, she would have named you Babe.
To market, to market,
To buy a fine roast.
Home again, home again,
For chipped beef on toast.
An automobile is a work of art
Assembled with care, part by part,
Built strong and safe with tempered steel—
Except for that nut behind the wheel.
Drive not as if you owned the road, but as if you owned the car.
Quoted Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who’s the fairest of them all?
Golly, gee, it must be me,
For I’m the only one I see!
Another Fair Assumption
Original Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
How may I be fairest of all?
I think I know, but confirm my suspicion—
Must I suffer malnutrition?
You can get into a lot of trouble by being right at the wrong time. But you can often get out of trouble by being wrong at the right time.
* * * *
After passing 90, your chances of going much farther in life are slim…especially if the 90 is on your speedometer.
Quoted (I learned this verse as a teenager and am reminded of it every time I am tempted to insist on my right of way)
Here lies the body of William Jay
Who died defending his right of way.
He was right—dead right—as he sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.
There are more tourist sites to go to theses days, but fewer reasons to go there.
If you want to be a real statesman, spend less time in the library studying the great philosophers and more time on the bus with people.
Quoted In our Father’s house are many mansions.
I hope yours is close to mine.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 6
You don’t know what you don’t know until someone tells you.
The cost of living is always the same—a little more than you can afford.
What’s that again?
· Have you ever seen a walking stick?
· Have you ever watched an orange bowl?
· Have you ever heard a dog whistle?
· Have you ever had a soda pop?
· Have you ever followed a shopping cart?
· Have you ever been embarrassed to see a salad dressing?
Up and At ‘Em
Early to bed.
Early to rise.
Fix your own breakfast,
Mr. Bright Eyes!
A man may spend endless hours on the job trying to build a better mousetrap when all the while his wife is out trying to make a better match.
* * * *
There are some rights worth dying for. Your right of way is probably not one of them.
In order for us to keep up with the Joneses,
We must take out too many new loanses.
I never drive faster than I ought.
The reason, of course…I’m the one who’ll get caught.
Try eating peas with honey.
I’ve done it all my life.
Although they do taste funny,
The peas stay on your knife.
All of the bargains you find while shopping will be things you don’t need, can’t afford, of just bought at a higher price.
Nostalgia is what let’s us recall the taste of fresh country butter without remembering the drudgery of churning it.
There is one small advantage to being underprivileged. Poor people are never kidnapped and held for ransom.
Quoted Kind hearts are the gardens,
Kind thoughts are the roots,
Kind words are the flowers
Kind deeds are the fruits.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 5
Some scientists say that humans came
From monkeys, but I doubt it.
Perchance our ancestors are the same,
But the monkeys sure don’t brag about it.
Ø How does such a small world stir up so much trouble?
Ø How many fig leaves did Eve try on before she said, “I’ll take this one”?
Ø Why do generals have private restrooms and privates don’t?
Ø What do butterflies get when they are nervous?
Ø Why are narrow-minded people so thick headed?
Ø Why do we need thousands of laws to enforce the Ten Commandments?
To cultivate a garden
Requires much time and labor.
It’s better to have a garden next door
And cultivate your neighbor.
Fatal diseases are responsible for killing more people than any other kind.
* A journey of a thousand miles begins when you miss your freeway exit.
* All things come to those who wait—except the repairman.
* Two heads are better than none.
* A watched pot never boils over.
* A fool and his money have many friends.
A Cry of Dishtress
A crash was heard in the kitchen,
And mom cried out in distress.
“More dishes?” she asked of her children.
“No, mom,” sobbed the kids, “there are less.”
Quoted As a tree falls, so must it lie;
As a man lives, so must he die;
As a man dies, so must he be;
All through the days of eternity.
(You know, those bright little notes that stick to things)
The Gas Station
Service station restrooms are usually locked,
Whether used by women or men.
The reason is apparent when you open the door—
It’s to keep the odor locked in.
This is a warning
To you, my friend,
Get too big for your britches,
And you’ll be exposed in the end.
It isn’t how they waddle,
Nor how they bill and coo.
It isn’t how they poke about,
But mostly what they doo.
Sin of the Pen
There once was a poet named Purser
Whose morals grew worser and worser.
And all that he penned
Was of how he had sinned,
So that now he is just a vice verser.
No Wagging Tale
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,
But doesn’t want to find them.
The story is this:
She got a kiss
From the wolf who was lurking behind them.
An adventurous girl of Long Beach
Decided to strip at the beach.
The crowd was aghast
That this lady would da’st
Show her 300 pounds in the peach.
Mary wore a mini-skirt,
'Twas short beyond compare,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The boys were sure to stare.
It is discommoding to know that the younger generations will never know the pleasure of sitting in an outhouse on a hot summer (or cold winter) day with nothing to read but what’s left of last year’s Sears Roebuck catalog.
The right deacon Waller,
In his stiffly-starched collar,
Sat snug and content in his pew.
As he sat there, alas!
He loudly passed gas,
And now he’s less smug in his phew.
Don’t Laugh, It Could Be Verse
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
That’s not my image you’re portraying at all.
The person whose reflection I see
Is plain, not cuddly and cute like me.
Facts and Figures
Here’s a fact that is certain and sure—
There’s no shadow of a doubt:
An hourglass figure is fashionable
Only till its time runs out.
Unidentified Frying Object
The skillet was hot
And ready for frying
When out of the blue,
Something came flying.
It hit the hot oil,
It sizzled and hissed.
Whatever it was,
It will surely be missed.
They say that the early bird
Gets the proverbial worm,
But personally I have no stomach
For foods that squiggle and squirm.
No Eye Contact
I rarely see the pastor’s eyes,
Nor hear his message fine,
For when he prays, he closes his,
And when he preaches, mine.
‘Tis the Season?
It can’t be Santa
For it’s summer you know.
It’s the weeds I hear
Crying, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”
When you stand beside a person tall
It tends to make you feel quite small.
The nervous witch was all ado.
She slipped and fell into her stew.
She stewed and stewed and stewed a lot.
Her end was there in her own pot.
A man may have one wife, that’s all.
With two he is a bigamist.
But if some guy has three or more,
Should we call him a pigamist?
Hi diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The dish ran away with the spoon.
It’s hard to believe
The rhymes we conceive,
Like a cow that can orbit the moon.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 4
It’s a small town if…
…where the roads cross is the city center.
…there are no fast-food restaurants…or slow ones.
…there’s no one to gossip with who isn’t who the gossip is about.
…the phone book is handwritten.
…the Baptist sits on the one side of the church, the Methodist sits on the other, and the Presbyterian preaches.
…there’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.
…all the news is delivered over the backyard fence.
…there are plenty of parking spaces, but no reason to park there.
When a doctor is sick and goes to another doctor, should the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor being doctored the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or as the doctor doing the doctoring wants to doctor?
I never win at anything until it comes to dieting, then I can’t lose.
Quoted: Never do your best. It leaves no room for improvement.
Letter Wise: These little poems are written so that letters, numbers, or symbols represent words. Read a single letter by its standard long sound; for example, B = “be” or “bee” and BB = “two bees,” or, bbbb might be read as “bees.” Numbers and symbols are pronounced using their standard names. With this explanation, try reading these:
U C ?
YY U R,
YY U B,
I C U R
YY 4 me.
-Author Unknown. (I learned this as a teenager about 60 years ago.)
I know that MLeeee a tttt,
But she convinces me with eeee
When she blinks those flirty iiii,
And tells me I am O so yyyy.
O LN U have pretty iiii,
4 U my © does always pine,
O LC, I’m in XTC.
It’s in your arms I want 2 B.
My ©, O LC, U have won.
O how I wish us 2 B 1.
A woman’s promise to be on time is nullified by any unforeseen circumstances that may arise.
Everyone responds to kindness.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 3
They say that a wise man says little,
And that could be true, I suppose,
But for many I’ve seen, it may also mean
That he’s just told you all that he knows.
Any worker who constantly watches the clock will never become anything more than one of the hands.
Checks and Balances
Ø People who claim to make ends meet either stretch their dollars…or the truth.
Ø Some people go to the bank to withdraw all their money. I just turn my piggy bank upside down and shake all my money out through the slot in the top.
Ø Spend too much green and you’ll wind up in the red.
Ø One of life’s greatest disappointments is to learn that the person who does the advertising for a bank is not the one who makes the loans.
Ø You have to give credit to the young families of today. They can’t live without it.
Coder’s Corner Extra
Fictitious Towns Game
is a game that anyone can play, alone or with a group, provided you know the
states of the
Available, Miss Moo, LA Em, NM
the idea? Try it yourself. As a variation, use country names rather than
states; for example: Cub Scout, Den (
Marriage Can Be Fun
NOTE: These are for fun. While I make light of marriage, these quips are not necessarily true of my own marriage and probably not of yours. Being able to laugh about it, though, makes marriage all the more enjoyable.
Marriage is like riding a unicycle. It looks easy enough until you try it.
Marriage opens the eyes of those who fall blindly in love.
Some men would be perfectly content to remain bachelors, while women would rather knot.
There are two matters that ought to be settled before marriage: when the husband can play golf or go fishing, and how much the wife can spend at the hairdresser’s.
Give a man enough rope and he’ll skip. Give a woman enough rope, and she’ll tie the knot.
Adam and Eve raised Cain, and marriage partners have been doing the same ever since.
Bursting the Bubble
Her smile when you were dating
Of course was very sweet,
But now it’s not so charming
O’er a bowl of Shredded Wheat.
A wedding ring serves the same purpose as a tourniquet—to stop the wearer’s circulation.
Marriage works much like the sign at a railroad crossing: when you see a girl, you stop and look. Then, after you marry her, you listen.
The trouble with marriage today is that couples marry for better or worse, but not forever.
Marriage is like the tango, except that in marriage it is usually the man who bends over backward.
Judging by the divorce rate, some couples who promised to love, honor, and obey didn’t understand the question.
To most people these days, the second honeymoon is the one that comes after the second marriage.
You may have noticed how it is
That a marriage quickly sours
When things that used to be hers or his
Suddenly become ours.
Love at first sight is not so remarkable. What’s truly great is to still be in love after forty or fifty years together.
BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 2
Have you asked your doctor about those miracle drugs advertised on TV that instantly and miraculously cure whatever ails you?
The best way to make ends meet is to get off yours.
Man is a worm that squiggles along until some chick gets hold of him.
Most men will occasionally allow a woman to make them look foolish, but some prefer the do-it-yourself approach.
No boy wants to grow up to have as little common sense as his father.
Life’s Little Curiosities
Ø If worry does no good, then why do the things we worry about seldom happen?
Ø Why does no one ever put out a sign that says, “Friendly Dog”?
Ø How does a one-pound box of candy make you gain two pounds?
Ø Why does a woman who has nothing to wear need so much closet space?
Ø Is eternity any nearer today than it was yesterday?
To my fellow senior citizens: If you’re worried about having a poor memory…now, what was I saying?
I tied a string around my finger,
A reminder of who knows what,
But days have passed, and I still don’t know
What it was that I forgot.
Give the weather forecasters credit for something—they’ve disproved the theory that you will be right fifty percent of the time.
Temperature, humidity, pollen count, pollution factor…remember when you could just step out the back door, sniff the fresh country air, and know that it was going to be a nice day? (Maybe you can still do that in Santa Anna, but not in the city.)
There are five ways you can become a millionaire: Earn it. Inherit it. Steal it. Sue for it in court. Or win the lottery. There is also a sixth way…in your dreams!
BC’S NOTES AND QUOTES NO. 1
Smile! Your friends will wonder what you’re up to.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look so surprised.
Slap of the Tongue
Would you say that gossip is hint and run conversation?
Did you hear about
¼ the chimney sweep who wore a business soot?
¼ the baker who kneaded some dough?
¼ the geologist who had no faults?
¼ the accountant who lost his balance?
¼ the tailor who mended his ways?
Electronic gadgets confuse me. I’m still trying to understand how those old drug-store scales could tell your fortune.
If money really grew on trees
I’d move to the forest primeval.
I’d harvest all the “fruit” I could,
Then live off the “root of all evil.”
Speeding drivers are less likely to get hurt than the slow ones who get in their way.
One of the things I find hard to believe is a recorded message that says, “Your call is important to us.”
A Crash Course in Lexicography
automobile: A clever contrivance to despoil the benefits of walking.
speed limit: ZIP code.
toll road: A coin-operated speedway.
rush-hour traffic: Car wars.
honk: To horn in.
speed reading: A skill found useful when a police car pulls in behind you.
Talk is cheap because the supply is so much greater than the demand.
I used to be apathetic, but now I just don’t care.
Gravity is that mysterious power which prevents people from becoming angels.
AS A RULE:
-The people who have the gold make the rules.
-Any system will work provided that the people behind it do.
-Praise improves a person’s sense of hearing.
-Success causes the head to swell and the heart to shrink.
-Pretending to be rich will only make you poorer.
-You can’t watch the clock and the boss at the same time.
You don’t know what you don’t know until somebody tells you.
It takes the average human male a year of two to learn to talk, and forever after to learn when not to.
The Electronic Age
Adult education, you will agree
Has finally gone too far
When kids must teach their parents how to operate
The family’s new VCR.
Somewhere out there is probably an unmarried female English teacher named Ms. Speller.
Life is short
Death is sure
Sin the cause,
Christ the cure.
Excerpts from the Files of a Taxpayer
· From one year to the next, we know the April 15 tax deadline is coming, but it still gets here sooner that we expected.
· The only fair taxes are those that someone else has to pay.
· Let’s not be too critical of the younger generation. Becoming taxpayers will bring them back to reality.
· You Figure
When income-tax time comes around
My spirits drag and droop,
For when figuring how much dough I owe,
I’m just an income poop.
· The trouble with the government is that it has so many ways to spend money and only one way of getting it.
· The folly of riches is made clear, first in the Bible and then on the income tax return.
· People are living longer these days. They have to in order to pay their taxes!
· Drive carefully. There is already a shortage of taxpayers.
Well, our income and outgo have been ascertained.
The losses and gains have all been explained.
Exemptions, withholdings, who’s been entertained,
Interest, expenses, such as are pertained.
Through all we’ve been patient—our wrath we’ve contained.
Records we’ve kept, receipts we’ve retained.
It’s a citizen’s duty, so we’ve not complained,
But our nerves and our pocketbook both have been strained.
· With April 15 so closely following April 1, it is no wonder that a fool and his money are soon parted.
· Money gets around. First the government makes it. Then you earn it. Then the government makes you give it back.
· The I. R. S. changed my nest egg into a goose egg.
· Take Notice
There’s a sign in the I. R. S. office
Near the door you pass through as you leave.
The warning suggests very tartly,
“It is better to give than deceive.”
· It won’t cost anything to pay your income tax with a smile. If that doesn’t work, however, you’ll have to use money.
· I would gladly pay my taxes with a smile if the government didn’t insist on hard cash.
· Everyone wants a slice of the American pie. But please understand that the government cannot give to some people without first having taken from others.
· It is better to have to pay taxes on your income than to have no income on which to pay taxes.
My income tax is due again,
Which causes me much pain.
You see, I know I’ll have to pay—
But how? With an
· The pleasure of living in a democratic society is that everyone can complain about the taxes. And most do.
Rest assured that, in
The taxpayer is likely
· Hidden Assets
You may be a person of untold wealth
And consider yourself a success,
But you can get into serious trouble
If you don’t tell the I. R. S.
· .Your largest deduction for income tax purposes will likely be the one from your bank account.
· As for income-tax refunds, never have so many waited so long for so little.
I’ll pay my
· Income Tax Question
One April 15th dank and dreary,
It was late and I was weary.
With a sigh I thrust my return down the mail slot,
But…did I sign the thing or not?
The rising sun awakes the day,
And sends the scent of spring my way.
As warmer breezes start to flow,
A daffodil peeks through the snow.
The birds begin their cheery song.
It’s time for Old Winter to move along.
Skies washed clear and dyed with blue,
Meadows mopped with glistening dew,
Clouds like giant pillows fluffed,
Bleached pure white and gently puffed.
Grass that sparkles bright and green,
Rain-washed breezes, fresh and clean,
Babbling brooks that swiftly flow,
Filled with newly-melted snow.
Of all this toil, what is the meaning?
It’s Mother Nature doing her spring cleaning.
The joy of spring is that it comes along just when it’s most needed.
Ah, the precious smell of spring,
As weather warms and robins sing,
But then, with pause, I cry, “Alas!”
It’s time again to mow the grass.
‘Tis the Season
Spring, of course,
Has its pluses and minuses,
Most of which
Affect the sinuses.
You understand the enormous task of building a better world when you set out to do your spring cleaning.
I feel lethargic
And lose my focus
When spring springs out
And out springs the crocus.
Showers of Blessings?
So lovely is spring as a season,
With its bright sunny days and brisk winds,
But for some mysterious reason,
Almost always it rains on weekends.
Spring, Sprang, Sprung
The seeds are sown,
The baskets hung,
The weeds, my back, And spring are sprung.
We know, of course, spring will arrive
With her usual splash and splendor,
But it’s hard to predict her arrival time,
For she is of the feminine gender.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out why Robin Hood robbed only the rich. The poor had no money.
When crossing paths with someone larger than you, it is always wise to yield the right of weigh.
The best way to cure insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness probable doesn’t have either.
You can’t measure happiness by the amount of money one has. Someone with only five million dollars, for example, may be just as happy as someone who has ten million.
Great is the wisdom of the husband who thinks twice before he says nothing.
One of the best ways to keep peace in the house is for the husband to let his wife have her way sooner.
If your wife really loves you, you can entice her to do just about anything she wants to do.
A husband is fine-tuned when he really understands what his wife isn’t saying.
You can’t be the breadwinner if all you do is loaf.
There’s a foolproof way to reduce your income tax. Quit work.
The trouble with burning the candle at both ends is that eventually it gets hot in the middle.
Thrift is easy when you’re rich.
It isn’t a bargain if you have no money to buy it.
Laughter is contagious, but so are tears.
The item you can’t find will always be found in the last place you look. Of course it will be! After you find it, there’s no reason to look any further.
The best way to save money is to retreat rather than charge.
Politicians don’t have to fool all of the people—just the ones who vote.
It’s so depressing to see so many rich people spend so much money so wantonly, and know that you can’t help them.
If you drive fast enough, you may get where you’re going five minutes earlier…or several years earlier.
The best place to look for rain is under a cloud.